Have you ever had a disagreement with a co-worker? A misunderstanding with your boss? An argument with your spouse or your kids? We’ve all been there. We all know what it’s like to have a conflict rise up in a company or a family. A lot of times, those conflicts are just pushed aside as we move on with our lives.
Sometimes these conflicts are nothing more than small, insignificant issues that are never confronted, so they just continue to build until you can’t stand it anymore. Before you know it, your blood pressure is through the roof, your patience and understanding for the other person is non-existent, and you’re stressed and frustrated, and you may not even know why…
That’s why today’s content is so important. It really has the potential to help you in every area of your life. Because here’s the reality – conflicts happen. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and arguments happen at home and in the workplace.
Conflicts can ruin relationships, break trust, cause stress, and keep you stuck in a rut. They can cause you to lose clients, lose business, or even lose your job. That’s why you must learn how to effectively confront the issues that arise in your everyday life.
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What most people do is they try to hide their issues or even run from them. They avoid talking to the other person or they simply ignore the conflict and pretend it doesn’t exist. But I’m here to tell you that ignoring these things does not make them go away! Even small, insignificant conflicts can become a big hairy mess if you do not confront them and take care of it.
For a lot of people - I’d say most people, even - dealing with conflicts can be very uncomfortable. You may be one who is afraid to bring up the issue because you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. Or maybe you’re the one who is so angry about the issue, you’re not able to sleep at night and you have this ugly, hateful anger brewing inside of you every time you think about the situation or the person. Or maybe you’re the one who simply hates confrontation, and you would much rather just let the issue go than to deal with it.
But here’s the truth about confronting conflicts: When you confront the issue, you are positioning yourself for promotion! You are setting yourself up as a true leader in your home, in your workplace, or in your community. It may not be comfortable, but it is so necessary!
That’s why I want to share a few steps that will make conflict resolution simple and really take the guesswork out of it! And the best part is, this process works with your boss, employees, co-workers, clients, business partners, friends, spouse, and kids.
First, you have to understand that you are not confronting the issue or the conflict so you can call out the other person’s faults or drag them through the mud. It’s not so you can point out all of their flaws and everything you don’t like about that person. (If that is your intention, then we need to have a little talk…)
The goal here is restoration and unity! The whole reason for confronting the issue is to clear the air, restore the relationship, and create unity with the other person who is involved.
You must realize that you have the same goals as the other person. You both want to see your team, company, or family succeed. But this conflict is keeping both of you from reaching that goal. This conflict is destroying unity.
There are 4 very simple steps that I want to share with you. These are the steps that I have used when conflicts arise in my own life and in my own family. These are the steps I have taught my clients to use. And the bottom line is, these steps get results.
- Forgive. Before you even have the conversation where you will confront the issue, make sure your heart is clean. Make sure you are not holding onto any anger or bitterness towards the other person.
- Encourage. Find something you can encourage the other person about. List their strengths based on what they think they do well! For example, if you have to confront an issue at work, you would say something like, "You are an amazing and valuable asset to this company. I appreciate the way you are so dependable and you always get things done on time. Thank you for always giving it your best shot. I really appreciate that about you."
- Take responsibility. Have you dishonored the person in any way? Have you judged them, falsely accused them lied to or about them, taken your anger out on them, gossiped about them? Are you harboring anger and bitterness toward them? Ask for forgiveness.
- Build a bridge. "I’ve noticed there has been some tension between us. I know that we both have the same goal – to see this team succeed. How can I communicate with you in a way that is effective? What can I do to help this team reach our goal? What can I do to help you? What can I do to help you and I work together better?"
Throughout this entire process, be sure to keep your goal in the forefront of your mind. Do everything in honor! Restoration and unity will eliminate stress and tension from your relationships. It will help to build trust with those around you. It will cause your influence to increase, and it will set you apart as a leader.
You and I both know how painful conflicts can be, especially when they happen between people we love and care about. I’m sure you’ve seen conflicts tear families and companies apart. You’ve heard stories from your friends, family, and co-workers about issues they are dealing with right now. You’ve heard the desperation in their voices when they say, "I just don’t know what to do anymore! So-and-so is driving me crazy! I can’t stand to be around them!" You may even be in a situation like that right now.
That’s why it’s so important that you and I work together to spread today’s message. Can you imagine if everyone in your family, your office, and your community had these simple steps? Can you imagine the harmony and the peace you would experience? And when there is harmony in a home, families thrive. When there is harmony in a company, productivity and profits explode. When there is harmony, people succeed! So please share this message today. Share this post on Facebook and Twitter. Print it and hand it out to your family and co-workers, and even your clients!
And then please let me know what you thought about today’s Daily Fix. Leave your comments below. I read your comments every day, and I really love hearing what you have to say.
Thank you for being someone who is focused on making this world a better place. Thank you for using your influence to help others, to groom your family for success, and to cause your team to succeed wildly. I really appreciate you, and I’m excited to hear your success story! Until next time, God bless you!
In great faith,
P.S. If you are really serious about seeing your family or company succeed, then simply hoping it will happen is not good enough. It’s time to get equipped with the skills you need to make it happen!
I need this article in spanish language
Hi Dani,
Thanks for your work and encouragement to others. The post you did today was very good and would likely work in some situations. However how do you resolve conflicts with narcissistic personalities? I am able to complete steps 1-3, however we (my pastor and I) try to complete step 4, but reconciliation is thwarted as the other two people (who also report to be Christians) refuse to take responsibility. They repeatedly become confrontational and spread false information to misdirect the goal for reconciliation. While they have asked my pastor and I not to discuss the meetings with anyone, they have freely gossiped and spread incorrect info to others about the meetings. What makes the situation more tragic is that the Church has protected and covered for them for many years. Any suggestions??
Dianne:
I was also reading the Fix it for today when I came across your response. I hear your pain and grief about someone hurting you and unjustly spreading inaccurate information about you. My human reaction is to be outraged by this action. I always try to be fair and honest and when this circumstance comes up in life=it isn’t right or fair. I have experienced this in my life. I went to court and tried to resolve this issue. It didn’t resolve this way and I spent lots of money trying to be vindicated. Forgiveness is something that is hard to find in this situation. I want you to be free. When we truly forgive, it is for our own peace. Cry, get mad, tell someone who love you what the nature of your grievance is and quietly forgive them and love yourself through the grief so you are truly free. Please.
Thank you for sending me this daily fix , last night was very challenging for our family, a conflict happened and stoled our entire peace, arguments can rise up in seconds and all of the sudden we ended up in a storm Soooo I´m just so thanfull that you remind me how to solve it , because I had lost focus and started to feel hopeless this morning I WILL CHOOSE to forgive, encourage, take responsability and build a bridge today.
Thank you for this Daily Fix!! I love all of your advice and I am taking action to actually make these changes in my every day life. In conflicts, we tend to get blinded by our issues and the desire for our wanted result and wanting to be “right”. This 4 step plan eliminates that and gets down to the core of actual resolution without underlying resentments left. I am grateful that you are here and giving this much needed possibility for “real” change and “real” growth, that will hopefully lead to a better community of human beings, wanting the best for everyone.
p.s. I do agree with the above comment about narcissistic personalities…help with those types would be appreciated.
Thank you for this message Dani! I needed this Now. I messed up , and I need to make things right with my best friend , My Husband. Your message brought tears to my eyes, and I truly am thankful for this message. Sending my Love to you from me. God Bless!
Very good message, and I could sure use more information with conflict resolution. I can definitely relate to the comment on “narcissistic personalities.” I have had to deal with this in my family for many years and can relate to “the church” protecting them. There were many years where the church, teachers, and even police overlooked the abuse because of who my parents were.
I’ve found out that typically narcissistic personalities are in positions of leadership because of their insatiable need for control. They refuse to respect others opinions, requests, or decisions when they are different from theirs.
As a result, I have had to break relationship with certain family members which really breaks my heart. While I know that this is necessary for my own spiritual and emotional well being, and I am a better wife and mother for doing so, it is still very hard. Do you have any words of wisdom for us on this topic? Thank you!
Thanks so much for this email message today. I’m someone who tries to avoid conflict at any cost and it just eats at me and escalates. It really helps to be able to address issues without pointing fingers.
All I can say right now is Thank you… And perfect timing. With honor, unity and restoration at the forefront of my mind, I will be guided into the type of conflict resolution that ultimately bears the fruit I desire. Thank you Dani!
Much love,
Steph
Hi Dani. Sorry I can’t be at First Steps London this weekend. Mum’s funeral was on February 8th, another of our close Friend’s on February 15th and every thing just seem to take so much effort to get into and keep functioning. I’ve lost real close contact with the Dani Johnson teaching system around October when the critical stages of Mum’s illness began. Thank you for getting me through the Summer when I actually started suitable work to improve my financial situation,because of your practical teachings. Not only do I work in a conflict resolution area of industry, I am conscious of the need for it in my family life too. Thank you for this posting and for spelling out the need to get off the fear drug. Knowing I have your support will help me as I set today’s goal to put into practice the 4 steps you have outlined TODAY. God Bless You & Your Team always. Murdell
Hi Dani, I love all of your daily fix. Today I will put into practice all four steps. Keep it comming.
Jan
Hi Dani:
There is so much meat in the fix it. These steps are truly about being free. I made copy of this and will post it next to my desk so I remember how to build a bridge. Thank you so much. Bonnie
Dani, I could use some more coaching on forgiveness. What if my head knows I need to forgive, and my mouth says, “I forgive.” but my heart says, ‘not yet, I’m still hurting.’?
Awesome message .Thanks for the reminder .Used these methods to build a bridge with guy of same faith but different views and it worked .By confronting the issue ,it made me think about the issue and also it had the same effect on the guy , instead of strife and anger .
Thank you ,Dani .